It’s Different, It Hurts

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Being alone.

 

Deanna Underwood, via mommy_GAGA, Instagram

 

I hate dark, sad posts, because i’m not generally sad, but it just hurts sometimes. The loneliness. The quiet. The self doubt. Pondering what could have been.

 

You spend your better years building something, a family, a home, a bond like no other. You put your soul into it, every fiber of your being, and you dream of this feeling of content that is supposed to last forever. You would make your marriage last, nothing could happen to your union, right? Somehow, it’s just not enough. This was me. I live for my family and to have it all ripped away is the most devastating  thing I have had to experience in all of my life. I am confident that dying would be easier. Not happening anytime soon, though, so i’m dealing with the pain.

 

See, the way I saw it was that i’d meet the most amazing man who loves and cherishes me, and i’d do the same for him. We’d be soul mates, always having each others back. Then, we get married, have children, succeed in our careers and enjoy the family life. FOR LIFE. Growing together, and an everlasting bond of love, commitment, support, trust and happiness. Unfortunately, it’s becoming more ‘normal’ for the exact opposite to happen. The life that was once mine is completely and abruptly gone. The husband. The kids that were all mine, with no holds barred. The house that was once mine. The sense of security, companionship, completeness. I mostly long for the smiles and laughs together, as a family, the random nights we’d go out for ice cream and the lazy weekend mornings. 

 

Marriage is hard work. There are obstacles, and you are forced to deal with them. If you don’t deal with them in a way that makes both parties content, it becomes a disaster. This happened, for sure. Obstacles presented themselves, and while we’d solve one, there were so many unnecessary others. Now, it’s heavy. Every time I have to drop off my kids, or when I pick them up from their dad’s and stare into the house that was once MINE, it’s painful. I feel like a stranger at my own house. Why is his mother answering MY door at MY house? When we go to baseball games and gymnastics practice, it feels awkward to go separate ways. Then there are the whines and cries from the kids when they want either mommy or daddy. Ugh, i’m trying to deal. 

 

What if I had done more, tried more? What if he had? What if he cared more? We’ll never know, that chapter is closed. I don’t think too many people take the institution of marriage very seriously, it really shouldn’t be that way. A vow, a promise, should be kept, especially when it’s made to someone that you loved so much. It’s different now, and it hurts. The one person that I believe would be my everything, till the end, will not be. I guess I just need some time to figure this new situation out. Life goes on, and although it hurts now, I can’t wait to embrace it. 

 

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Comments

  1. Jeanine says:

    Remember, this too shall pass. Cry, scream and mourn but know that you will get stronger, better, wiser and even happier day by day. Many blessings sent to you and your children. Breathe dear one and carry on. You will survive and end up with a testimony to share with others.

  2. Ugh, this sounds so very tough. I hope that everything works out for you and your family and that you find peace.

  3. Sending you a virtual hug

  4. Ending any relationship is painful. Much less a marriage. I’ve done it. Twice. I’m not sure what happened but dont beat yourself up about it. Ye mourn the loss of what could have been but also think and get ready for what could be. Sending our comfort and understanding. Things do get better.

  5. I know exactly how you feel. ((((BIG HUGS)))) I know it doesn’t feel like it but it will get better. I promise! You can come flame me if it doesn’t. You are going to be okay!!!

  6. I have been in your shoes dear and there is no right answer. I don’t know all the details. I hope that you can find peace with your decision. Maybe what you are really missing is full time with your children.

  7. Sorry Deanna ~ I don’t have any advice, just sorry for your heart ache. Nobody deserves that and it sounds like there is no perfect answer. Keep being the best mama you can be and accept nothing but the best for yourself! xo

  8. Bertha Esoldo says:

    Deanna, sorry you’re going through this, but you are a strong woman. I can tell by your writing and the strength it took to leave your marriage. As Tavis Smiley would say “Keep the faith.”

  9. Aw, sweetie. I’m so sorry you’re going through this.

    XOXO

  10. Thinking about you and sending love and positive thoughts. I can’t imagine how you are feeling, but your words show such a vulnerable yet strong woman. I think you can find therapy in your writing and it’s good to get it out. Hugs, keep your chin up and smile!

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