I hate dark, sad posts, because i’m not generally sad, but it just hurts sometimes. The loneliness. The quiet. The self doubt. Pondering what could have been.
You spend your better years building something, a family, a home, a bond like no other. You put your soul into it, every fiber of your being, and you dream of this feeling of content that is supposed to last forever. You would make your marriage last, nothing could happen to your union, right? Somehow, it’s just not enough. This was me. I live for my family and to have it all ripped away is the most devastating thing I have had to experience in all of my life. I am confident that dying would be easier. Not happening anytime soon, though, so i’m dealing with the pain.
See, the way I saw it was that i’d meet the most amazing man who loves and cherishes me, and i’d do the same for him. We’d be soul mates, always having each others back. Then, we get married, have children, succeed in our careers and enjoy the family life. FOR LIFE. Growing together, and an everlasting bond of love, commitment, support, trust and happiness. Unfortunately, it’s becoming more ‘normal’ for the exact opposite to happen. The life that was once mine is completely and abruptly gone. The husband. The kids that were all mine, with no holds barred. The house that was once mine. The sense of security, companionship, completeness. I mostly long for the smiles and laughs together, as a family, the random nights we’d go out for ice cream and the lazy weekend mornings.
Marriage is hard work. There are obstacles, and you are forced to deal with them. If you don’t deal with them in a way that makes both parties content, it becomes a disaster. This happened, for sure. Obstacles presented themselves, and while we’d solve one, there were so many unnecessary others. Now, it’s heavy. Every time I have to drop off my kids, or when I pick them up from their dad’s and stare into the house that was once MINE, it’s painful. I feel like a stranger at my own house. Why is his mother answering MY door at MY house? When we go to baseball games and gymnastics practice, it feels awkward to go separate ways. Then there are the whines and cries from the kids when they want either mommy or daddy. Ugh, i’m trying to deal.
What if I had done more, tried more? What if he had? What if he cared more? We’ll never know, that chapter is closed. I don’t think too many people take the institution of marriage very seriously, it really shouldn’t be that way. A vow, a promise, should be kept, especially when it’s made to someone that you loved so much. It’s different now, and it hurts. The one person that I believe would be my everything, till the end, will not be. I guess I just need some time to figure this new situation out. Life goes on, and although it hurts now, I can’t wait to embrace it.